Marriage Mentorship
Finding mentorship should be a part of every couple's to-do-list, especially during the first years of marriage. Having a mentor in the early stages of marriage can prevent a disagreement from snowballing into an avalanche. Research shows that about 49% of couples experience problems in the first years of marriage.
Proverbs 11:14 sheds light on the importance of wise counsel and the safety it provides. The same verse talks about how one fails without any guidance. Ask a married couple who has sat at the feet of wise counsel about the impact that it made in their marriage. Sadly, in our culture, many of us are warned not to discuss marital issues with anyone; it's frowned upon and a taboo.
I remember the advice given at my traditional marriage by well-meaning guests. They advised my husband and me to keep our marriage problems to ourselves. We were also encouraged always to pray and remain intimate. Intimacy, more than any other thing, seemed to be the physical solution to every problem. Great advice, but as someone who has walked the journey of a crumbling marriage, not 100% realistic. Some Christian couples reveal that during times of marital stress, their prayer lives change. They cease to pray together or for their marriage and instead petition God to change their spouse.
When your marriage is failing, the most challenging and scariest place to be is in the middle of it all. Couples have a hard time seeing past the fog clouding their vision and become fixated on the problem. Some report feeling trapped, they describe their partner as distant, and eventually, the idea of ending the marriage or walking away seems like a viable option.
What is Marriage Mentoring and How It Can Help Your Marriage?
Marriage mentoring is the paring of a more seasoned or experienced married couple with a less experienced couple. The advantage of this relationship is that the seasoned couple can provide encouragement and support through various marriage seasons. Karen Evans once said, "having another couple who is not in the marriage speak to things or issues in a way that only a husband or wife can hear, disarms the walls built and can alter the way of thinking." Marriage mentorship acts as an excellent soundboard for couples and provides a safe and neutral zone.
Safe & Neutral Zone
Marriage mentoring provides an environment where couples can safely share their thoughts, feelings, and issues. It is in this environment that problems are dissected, discussed, and bathed in prayer. It would be best to trust the couple that you ask to mentor you or be willing to build a trusting relationship with them.
Re-align Expectations
The first years of marriage are what I like to call the "becoming one year's." Couples undergo various changes and experience different milestones. For the first time, couples are combing income and debt, making joint decisions, planning a future that, ideally, is inclusive of both their wants and needs. For some, the exciting, yet at times the frustrating journey of parenting may begin. For others, the frustration and heartbreak of infertility may become the elephant in the room. Job loss, intimacy challenges, infidelity, and health issues are all very possible during those first years.
Seasoned couples use their own experiences and stories to encourage and remind their mentees that marriage has seasons, and with each season, the ultimate goal is to rely on Christ for strength, grace, and guidance each day. Each season comes with lessons that couples can learn from if they can see beyond the temporary crisis and focus upon their marriage's growth. Furthermore, mentorship can help couples resolve gridlock issues or bring much-needed clarity. Mentors can give back the voiceless partner a voice and teach the outspoken partner to listen more. They can also paint a picture that better allows each partner to understand things from their spouse's perspective.
What to Look for In Marriage Mentors
Before you begin looking for a marriage mentor, I encourage you to first and foremost talk about it as a couple. Both of you must agree and be willing to bring another couple into your marriage.
Secondly, pray for guidance and ask God to lead you to the right person for your marriage. I use the word right because there is no perfect marriage; thus, expecting your mentors to have a perfect marriage is unrealistic. I like to have mentors who have gone through tough challenges (infidelity, infertility, job loss, chronic health, and parenting issues) and have overcome them. I have found that such couples have a refreshing outlook on marriage and life despite their challenges. They are hopeful and serve as living testimonies that restoration is possible.
Ideally, marriage mentors should possess Queen Esther, Prophet Nathan, and Apostle Paul like characteristics.
Queen Esther
When we read the book of Esther, we see the hand of God moving. Esther was made queen after following the counsel and instruction of her uncle, Mordecai. During her reign as queen, a decree came forth, ordering her people's persecution throughout the kingdom. Queen Esther was called upon by her uncle to use her position as queen to save them.
In wisdom, Queen Esther did not react impulsively at hearing the death decree against her people. Instead, she called for a time of prayer and seeking God's face before taking action. To have a mentor like Queen Esther means to have wisdom in times of chaos. This mentor is essential because when trouble hits your marriage, their initial reaction is to seek God's face on your behalf and provide guidance on what to petition from God.
When married couples are in crisis, they need someone who will not immediately react to their problems. Instead, they need their mentor to proceed with wisdom to redirect the anxiety and fear that comes with the crisis. Ngina Otiende said it best, "Life-changing marriage mentoring is bathed with more prayer than talk, more knee-sessions than coffee-sessions." Mentors should intercede for you and with you.
Prophet Nathan
God sent the Prophet Nathan to King David after he had committed adultery. Nathan was David's adviser and one who was close to him. Nathan called sin a sin and rebuked David for what he had done to Uriah and his wife, Bathsheba. He did not allow cultural norms or his fear of being demoted from David's league of counselors to stop him from rebuking David.
Nathan's focus on what God sent him to do, gave him the courage to correct David. This kind of mentor is one that does not allow you to get away with sin nor continue sinning. They bring your attention to what you are doing wrong and rebuke you in love.
Apostle Paul
Known as one of the greatest apostles of his time, Apostle Paul is known for writing letters to the people of Christ. His letters served as reminders on how believers should conduct themselves. He encouraged them to remain steadfast in their walk with Christ and work out their salvation with fear and trembling. Above all things, he admonished them to follow him as he followed Christ. He understood that to get to where he was going; he needed to follow Christ. Therefore, he also recognized the importance of being a godly example of his generation.
This kind of mentor is Christ-focused and reminds you of the calling you have as married believers. Just as we are called to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, we are called to be Christlike, even more so in our marriages. The marriage of this mentor will be reflective of what God calls marriages to be. They are encouraging and accountable collaborates but above all, Christ-focused.
In conclusion,
Marriage mentorship is a necessary at all stages of marriage, but it is especially valuable to those who are newly married. Needing help to overcome marital issues or talk through a matter you both feel stuck on should not be seen as wrong. It takes strength to identify that your marriage needs help and courage to be vulnerable enough with another couple to pinpoint the causes of your marital difficulties.
Marriage is a beautiful covenant created by God; its significance is shown by Christ's comparison of His relationship with believers as that between husband and wife. For reasons like this, the enemy tries to derail marriages and turn a husband and wife against each other. Remember that no matter how angry you might be with each other or whatever problems arise, you and your spouse are on the same team. With that in mind and a God-fearing couple beside you to mentor you and pray beside you, the devil will not succeed in destroying your marriage. So fight the good fight. Your marriage union is for a purpose; do not ever forget that. You are graced to walk this journey.